i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We are all done wearing pants today
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
