bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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