please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
