dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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