my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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