I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
