ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
