the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
