I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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