I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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