I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
