my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
