Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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