just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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