I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
