In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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