If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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