My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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