when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
