he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
