I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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