My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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