i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
