I wish I only lived at night.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
