If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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