Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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