Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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