Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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