Umm I'm too high to move.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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