Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
