there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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