I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
where are you?
Hypothermia
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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