Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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