the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
