I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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