how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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