How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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