This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
