Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
