I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
