Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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