I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
