Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
