I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
