im drinking this country out of the recession.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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