his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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