i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm at about main and main street
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
