My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
