Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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