When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
