I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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