I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
